Thursday, June 30, 2011

How To Talk To Little Girls

I read this on Facebook. This is so good and very well written! I wanted to put it on my blog to help me  remember.


I went to a dinner party at a friend's home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.

Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, "Maya, you're so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!"

But I didn't. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are. What's wrong with that? It's our culture's standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn't it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.

Hold that thought for just a moment.

This week ABC news reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.

Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.

That's why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.

"Maya," I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, "very nice to meet you.""Nice to meet you too," she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
"Hey, what are you reading?" I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I'm nuts for them. I let that show.

Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.

"I LOVE books," I said. "Do you?"

Most kids do.

"YES," she said. "And I can read them all by myself now!"

"Wow, amazing!" I said. And it is, for a five-year-old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.

"What's your favorite book?" I asked.

"I'll go get it! Can I read it to you?"

Purplicious was Maya's pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.

Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It's surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I'm stubborn.

I told her that I'd just written a book, and that I hoped she'd write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we'd read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.

So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya's perspective for at least that evening.

Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.

And let me know the response you get at www.Twitter.com/lisabloom and Facebook.

Here's to changing the world, one little girl at a time.
For many more tips on how keep yourself and your daughter smart, check out my new book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, http://www.think.tv/.



“...so it is with Christ's body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.” Romans 12:5

4 comments:

  1. The "fat" talk starts so very early. Abi has mentioned it several times. We have never, ever told her she was overweight but she has heard me comment that I am so she takes it as she is. We as moms must really watch what we say in front of our little ears. I am all for my kids being healthy and being a healthy weight but I want them to do this in a positive way. It's a fine line we parents must walk. If you have a child that struggles with their weight, you must help them but you do not want them to have self image problems either. So very hard at times...

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  2. I agree, what kids hear parents say about themselves has a lot to do with it. As you know it's everywhere though, the movies, tv, and they hear their girl friends talk bad about themselves. "Well, if "so and so" thinks they're fat/ugly, then I must be too".

    I told Jeff after he read this, "That is the way we've always talked to the boys, and their friends when they were little. I never went "on and on" about how cute and handsome they are.

    I just want them to be healthy and confident, as children and adults, no matter how they look. I agree, it's a fine line. Parenting is very difficult..

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  3. We have had to stop watching the "Biggest Loser" and shows like that because it does a number on Abi. That's when she made the comment that if she lost 5 pounds she would be a happier person. That broke my heart. We need dads to step up to the plate and make their little girls feel worthy and proud of God made them. Yet, we do not want our children to think it's ok to eat junk food and not ever exercise. The media is such a tool of confusion and mixed messages that it's best to stick with Phineas and Ferb on netflix. ;-)

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  4. Aww that breaks my heart. I know, the Daddys need to step up in the world. I read from a school teacher that many studies show that the culture has become so feminized that we are not teaching our boys to become strong men. She sees it at school all the time. Teachers encourage boys to act more like girls because it makes their behavior in the classroom and on the playground easier to manage. Boys are rough! They are made to be! Sometimes focusing on the feminist viewpoint causes us to miss the fact that boys aren't performing up to par in their academic and social lives either.

    So true,Netflix and Phineas and Ferb all the way! ;)

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